March12013

Seeing Ghosts

          Tonight convinced me of two things: One, everybody has a twin or a double in this world. Two, there’s a part of me, a very small and well hidden part, that would still willingly give my heart and soul to Sean. Having this knowledge makes me sick to my stomach.

          I suppose it’s easier to start from the beginning. Kelsey came over tonight and as is the usual with her, our “plans” for the evening turned in to a full on adventure. My mom took Daisy for the night so we went out for late night comfort food (i.e Taco Bell) and on our way home she gets a call from her new boyfriend. Turns out, he’s in the area at his friend Tyler’s house! So, we get invited over, it’s 11:30 at night, no big deal.

          This is about the time that my night starts getting interesting. We show up at Tyler’s house and I’m on the phone with my mom. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, Kelsey’s talking to the guys, and then I look up. My heart stopped and I very nearly ran out of the house because, at first glance, I was staring right at Sean.

          For those of you who haven’t read my TDP posts, Sean very nearly killed me on several occasions. But, I was madly in love with a monster who I swore was just misunderstood. The only thing that saved me was finding out I was pregnant with Daisy.

          So, you can imagine my surprise when I’m standing in the living room of the man who I have hid from for the last 3 years. But, it wasn’t him. I knew it wasn’t him when he looked at me. There was a kindness in his eyes that Sean never had. Tyler was shorter, although not by much, and his forehead didn’t have the same scowl lines. But, everything about them, other than those small things, was absolutely spot on.
His voice held the same smoothness and eloquence, his stance held the same defensive pose, he had the same interests with the same level of passion, but he was kind and gentle and all the things Sean was not. He was Sean’s good twin in every conceivable way. Even Kelsey panicked when she first met him, but of course she failed to warn me before taking me to his house.

          Let me start off by saying that I love my boyfriend, I really do. But, there was this obsessive passion I had with Sean. It was absolutely unhealthy, I knew it back then, but that didn’t make my heart break any less when I had to walk away.
          I hate him with every fiber of my being, straight down to my core I loathe this man’s existence. That being said, I loved the person I thought he was with more intensity than I can explain. I lived for the moments when he was kind. I made excuses to myself for his behavior and I lied so perfectly to myself that I believed it really was my fault. 
          After I got over the fear, after the flight or fight instinct settled down, I am ashamed to admit I wanted to be near Tyler. I wanted to feel his arms around me, I wanted him to be loving toward me. But, it really wasn’t him that I wanted. I wanted the made up version of Sean that I fell hopelessly in love with.
          I had to take a break from writing this and call 1-800-273-TALK because I started having a panic attack thinking back on the things I went through. In talking to one of the counselors I came to the realization that the reason I felt this way toward Tyler was actually a terrible coping mechanism. Subconsciously I had taken away Tyler’s identity and replaced him with Sean. In my head he was everything about Sean that I fell in love with. My theory is that I was trying to use him to justify my abusive relationship. If I could have everything good about Sean than I wouldn’t need to dwell on the bad things. I wouldn’t need to fear him like I do. I wouldn’t need to feel guilty of the fact that I loved him the way I did.
          It was very unfair to Tyler, although he had no knowledge that I was feeling this way or that I had subconsciously stripped him of his own identity. It was unfair to Kevin, because he has been nothing short of perfect to me and Daisy and he loves me unconditionally, yet I can’t say for certain that had Tyler have offered himself to me I would have turned him down. And it was most certainly unfair to me, I destroyed 3 years of therapy and progress in one night. I once again let myself down by not being strong enough. I am a very broken woman who is entirely too blessed.
        
        After I hung up with the counselor Kevin asked if I was okay. He knows that when I call the hotline it’s got something to do with Sean. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but sometimes I need to get things off my chest, horrible things that he did to me, things I let him do. I could never go into detail with Kevin, he would track him down and go vigilante on him.
    I told him what happened, I told him about Tyler, I told him about how I replaced Tyler with Sean in my head, and I apologized and sobbed like I committed the most heinous crime. Kevin just hugged me and let me cry. When I calmed down, he asked if I actually came on to Tyler or acted on my thoughts at all. I told him no, which is the truth. He simply hugged me tighter and told me I did nothing wrong, it’s just one of those things I’ll have to work on. He tried to convince me that it’s actually a good thing that this happened, because now we know that I need to deal with more than just the unresolved hatred.

         Although this is a depressing post, I am currently writing this with a smile. I feel like the worst woman in the world right now, I feel like I’ve failed myself, my daughter, my partner, but I have never felt more loved.
         There’s a reason I like writing these posts, even if nobody reads them. It helps me clear my mind and put things in prospective. This whole post I’ve been convinced that Tyler was everything good about Sean, it was easy to see that because of all the similarities. But, even though Kevin doesn’t look anything like Sean. He doesn’t talk like him, he doesn’t move like him, he doesn’t share the same passion for art or culture like him, but in all reality he is my “good Sean”. No, he’s not my “good Sean”, he’s my Kevin. He’s wonderful and talented and almost too understanding. He loves me even with all my flaws and he embraces my recovery and doesn’t pressure me. He knows all the right things to say, or he’s very good at guessing at least. I have always blamed myself and put myself down because of what happened with Sean and because of how hard it’s been to rebuild my life, but he has never looked at me with shame in his eyes. He has never made me feel uncomfortable talking about it, nor has he ever pressured me for information. He has always treated Daisy as his own and he has always gone out of his way to show me that I am a good mother.

        You know, I suddenly feel a lot better about my life. This post probably doesn’t make one ounce of sense, and I probably just look like an ass, but I think it’s probably the closest thing you’ll ever get to being inside my head. Well, I guess that just proves that something’s wrong with Molly.

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